Christmas break with special needs kids should not be considered a vacation. 

Sure, it’s a holiday that everyone loves, but it’s not a “break” for special needs parents or siblings.  It can consist of some or all of the following: stress, exhaustion, guilt, depression, disappointment, loneliness, isolation, and frustration.  Of course it can also be a surprisingly wonderful time to spend with family, but it’s never perfect.  And imperfection is OK.  I’ve reached this conclusion out of necessity, but regardless of how I got here, I’m here.  

 

Christmas morning is my favorite moment of the whole year.  The delicious breakfast that Danny and I prepare is a much anticipated meal.  The kids wake up to the familiar smells of our traditional foods and we sit down together to enjoy it before reaching into stuffed stockings and unwrapping gifts.  

 

Christmas morning 2021 looked a little different.  John’s mood started to go downhill as I laid the place settings on the table.  We told him to take a break in his room, hoping he would calm down quickly by relaxing on his bed and watching YouTube Kids on his heavily protected iPad.  Just as I opened the oven to take out the bacon, I heard the sound of glass shattering.  John had managed to break the small section of window in his bedroom that was not already boarded up.  

 

Glass was EVERYWHERE.  It was in his bed, under his bed, in the futon under his window, covering his floor, and covering his hands and feet.  Thankfully he only had a couple small scratches and we were able to remove the glass quickly and get him out of the room.

 

An hour later we all sat down to a Christmas breakfast that was no longer warm. As I cut into my grapefruit I wanted to cry.  Why?  This was supposed to be my favorite moment of the year.  I looked at my kids and I was able to pull myself together to fake a “happy mom.”  They were all mostly unaffected by John’s tantrum because they had – miraculously – slept through the glass shattering, the sound of the vacuum, and the saw in the garage cutting wood to cover the broken window.  

 

I was not surprised to hear that my dear friend Lindsay is familiar with moments like mine on Christmas.  She says it much better than I do!  I hope her words can bring you some peace and comfort if you are also having a tough holiday season.

I wish William liked Christmas.  Out of his routine, new things in our home and the noise of presents and surprise gifts brings him so much anxiety.  It’s so interesting how every year I feel the need to get him gifts, but it just makes him scream, more angry, and today more aggressive.  I always project MY idea of what happiness is onto him, and it just doesn’t work.  This boy doesn’t stop teaching me about what is truly important… it’s not stuff…  the true gifts are from the Prince of Peace, who blesses us with feelings of love, safety, protection, and comfort.  I don’t always know HOW to give William those gifts, but grateful God does. ❤️❤️❤️

Merry Christmas friends!